Certain national festivals are designed to remind you of your flaws as a human being, like May Day would be for Tories if they had consciences or basic empathy skills; or Testicular Cancer Awareness Week is a prod with a sharp stick for men young enough to still be convinced of their immortality.
February the 14th has been my TCAW for the last few years now, but I have at last found a way of dealing with it. I offer this solution to the rest of you who have also failed at the most defining task of a human being, that of sustaining a loving relationship. I can't make your worthless, hollow lives any better, but I can tell you this: don't just sit there scoffing chocolates. Get off your arse and do something valuable.
I made an apple crumble. Everything looks better after an apple crumble, I'm sure you agree. In fact, I think I might take up comfort eating as a solution to more of the thorns that life throws in my path. If life gives you lemons, chuck them in the cupboard until Shrove Tuesday, and get out the custard powder, that's what I say.
Who's with me?
P.S. I appreciate that my own particular brand of self-deprecating humour doesn't always come over as well as I'd like in print, so I would just like to stress that most of this post was for comic effect. And the crumble was really delicious.